Bowlful of Crickets

Crest came out with their Whitening Expressions toothpaste a while back- perhaps a year our two ago. The concept was whitening toothpaste with exciting new flavors- Cinnamon Rush, Extreme Herbal Mint and Fresh Citrus Breeze- basically, Cinnamon, Spearmint and Orange. I tried the Orange when it first came out and it was fine, but it didn’t become my everyday toothpaste (that honor went to the foaming menthol goodness of AquaFresh Extreme Clean).

Recently the missus and I saw that Crest had added a new flavor to the fold in the form of Refreshing Vanilla Mint. To honor the occasion, Crest relased all four flavors in one box- a mini, travel-sized tube of each. The oppurtunity to try four flavors for the price of one? Needless to say, it was quickly in our cart.

Debbie and I tried a new flavor each time we brushed and were generally pleased by each flor. The ability to mix up toothpaste flavors was a welcome change for us both.

One day I was brushing when I noticed the orange and vanilla tubes next to each other and inspiration struck: the Creamsicle flavor I enjoy in ice cream and candy form can now be experienced while brushing!

I have also come up with three additional flavors, which each variety of the Whitening Expressions utilized at least once. Here’s the order in which I came up with them…

Creamsicle: Vanilla + Orange
This one is a bit of a challenge, as it’s difficult to get the perfect balance of orange and vanilla. The key is to use a lot more vanilla than orange, but it’s quite difficult to only squeese a tiny amount out of a tube. When I’ve gotten it right, it tastes great. It’s like brushing your teeth at a picnic. Or maybe not…

Cinnamon Bun: Cinnamon + Vanilla
Again, you need a lot more vanilla than cinnamon. When the combination is right, this gets close to the flavor of a cinnamon bun. Don’t skip breakfast, though- it’s the most important meal of the day.

Spice Drop: Cinnamon + Herbal Mint
Probably the easiest flavor combination to make, as both components are srtongly flavored. We had spice drops in the candy jar a lot when I was growing up, so this one really took me back.

Shamrock Shake: Vanilla + Herbal Mint
Why I thought of blending herbal mint with cinnamon before vanilla is beyond me, but I did. The same warning applies as with the other vanilla combos- use more vanilla than the other flavor. I wonder if Debbie has noticed the vanilla tube shrinking…Unlike the Shamrock Shake itself, this can be enjoyed year round.

If anyone can think of other combinations which would work, send ‘em on. I have two opportunities each day to test them out.

I wonder if you can use two air fresheners together to create an all new fragrance…

So my fellow-blogging friend Jenny said "Hey, you should do a preview of all the stuff that’s coming soon in your blog." Well, Jenny, here is your long-distance dedication.

New Categories: I’m turning my critical eye to a whole new area of focus: Things you can’t eat or listen to. For now, I’m calling this category "Non-Perishables"- I’m certainly open to anything catchier. The next post you read on this blog will be in that category, hope you like it.

I’m also creating a Stuff About This Blog category, and you’re reading the first post I will classify under this- I may go back and associate past posts. And maybe we’ll go to Bed, Bath and Beyond- I don’t know if we’ll have time.

Jackass Soda: I currently have 11 sodas tasted but not yet written about. Three of them involve some level of cherry flavor, so perhaps I’ll combine those. Other fruit flavors abound, one tasted like flat ginger ale served in an ashtray and one is surely the hippy cousin of Root Beer. Were that not enough, there’s a bunch of new sodas coming out, and I’m always on the lookout for new and crazy flavors to try…

52 Foods: I’m still behind- I have four more foods tasted- form candy to popcorn- and four more in the house waiting to be tasted (two from The Philippines). There will be more new foods tasted.

Other Food Topics: McDonald’s World Headquarters is a short drive from the VasilCastle, and they’re about to open a McCafe there. The family is poised and ready to go when it opens. We might be talking multi-part post here…

Also: Burger King has the Ultimate Double Whopper for a limited period of time. It’s the sandwich the Enormous Omlette Sandwich has been stretching out your stomach for. You know I’m going to try one and I’ll tell you all about it.

Books: My quest to read 50 books in ‘05- or anything close to that number- has been abandoned. I am considering reviewing books I haven’t read (perhaps judging them simply by their cover) or even reviewing imaginary books.

CD Reviews: I’ve been trying to write more of these, but to no avail. I think the solution may be to write very short reviews and group them in a single blog entry, with album covers and a rating for each. That way you get a quick glimpse of what I’m digging and what I’m not. Sort of a periodical update of where this year’s Timmy Awards may go.

So those are the highlights- there will be more fun and surprises. Thanks for reading, keep on coming back!

For months I’ve been singing "Hey Mama" by The Black Eyed Peas like it was a ragtime tune, so imagine my delight when I found this link from the good people at Stereogum:

"Oops! I Did It Again" by Louis Armstrong

It’s 3 minutes and 41 seconds of musical and comedic genius.

They even created a fake cover. Outstanding!

When it comes to Jackass Soda, this may indeed by the golden age. Major beverage producers are not content to rest on their laurels- they are cranking out the special edition products at a steady pace.

Sprite cleverly(?) has been titling their limited edition products "Sprite Remix", presumably to catch the eye of the young consumer who is familiar with the term from the music they listen to. So it came as no surprise when the first two Sprite Remix Products- Tropical and Berryclear- were a bit on the sweet side. Targeting young consumers=make it sweet. The Tropical Remix (I’m pretty sure) came out in 2003. From what I recall, it was tropical tasting all right, it a very sweet way. I remembering it even smelling sweet. It was definitely edible (drinkable?), but only for those occasions when you needed a real jolt of sugar.

The summer of 2004 saw the release of Sprite Remix - Berryclear (like the way, like the Limited Edition Mountain Dew products, they started using code names?). Berryclear tasted like berries, and like all of the Sprite offshoots, was clear. But again, they kicked it into overdrive with the sweeteners. Their berry flavor is basically what you would find in candy- a sugar-coated rendering of the real thing. I think I have a few cans of this left from last year, next to my Faygo Rock N’ Rye…

So when I saw that Sprite had Aruba Jam coming out this year, I knew I would try it, and I expected to dislike it.

First, the codename- Aruba Jam. It’s the type of name marketing execs who think they’re cool and in touch with the youth of today come up with. These are the same guys who put snowboarding grannies in TV commercials. Strike One.

The description of the soda’s flavor was the next warning sign. I don’t remember the actual wording, but it ultimately came down to this one word: Fruit. If you can’t name a particular fruit, the result will most likely be an unidentifiable hodge-podge of a bunch of fruit flavors, ultimately tasting like a sugary mess. Strike Two.

As nervous as I was, I bought a 12 pack (hey, I like soda out of a can better). Thankfully, my fears were for nothing. It’s like a less-sweet(!) version of the Tropical Remix. It has a bit of a fruit punch taste and smell to it. Overall, what I liked about the Tropical Sprite Remix with a lot less sweetness. I may even wind up buying more of this, we’ll see how cans 2 through 12 go…

Name: Sprite Remix - Aruba Jam
Alleged Flavor: something something something Fruit
Actual Flavor: "Bill, we’ve got some Sprite Tropical syrup lying around- want to tone it down a bit and sell it as a new flavor?"
Color: A breathtaking shade of clear
Tasting sample was from: aluminum can, poured into glass

Note that there’s a jackass soda sub culture out there who have discussed this product and its siblings in great detail. I am merely a pretender to their throne when it comes to soda obsession. I did learn a lot about the soda world in a short period of time on that board. Let’s just say there’s a lot of Jackass Soda Gold yet to be mined by yours truly.

My daily routine begins with a shower while listening sports talk radio’s dynamic duo, Mike & Mike.

They came back from commercials this a.m. with breaking news:

Britney Spears is pregnant.

If this is big enough news for sports radio, surely my tenuously-music-related blog can cover it.

First of all, Mrs. and Mrs. Federline, congratulations. While this will be Kevin’s third child, it’s the first for Britney. Let me say from one year and change of experience, being a parent is great, especially when your 19 month old daughter takes smoked sausage off the kitchen counter and puts it in and out of the mailbox of her Fisher-Price Learning Home.

But I will say this- naming your chid is not a task you should take lightly. Having participated in this excercise twice, I will hereby declare myself an expert and offer you some potential choices.

Anthny, Timthy, Jessca or Michlle: With a fairly common name spelled a jackass way, perhaps the child will be able to properly spell her mother’s name.

Orange: There will be inevitable comparisons between Britney’s child and another recent celebrity child, that of Gwyneth Paltrow and Coldplay’s Chris Martin. Why not make the comparsions with their child, Apple, more appropriate?

Getinline, Riseandshine or Don’tdrinkturpentine: A first name should sound good with a last name. Not only do these names all sound good with Federline, they provide valuable advice for any child.

Asparagus: A name such as Asparagus will help the child keep his father in his life should this celebrity marriage fail (like that would ever happen!) If you’re born Asparagus Federline, you’re likely to keep that name even if the marriage fails. What youngster wants to be known as Asparagus Spears?

What NOT to name your child: Britney, as someone who is not a fan of your music, please don’t name a little girl Chloe or little boy Declan. I do not want to spend the remainder of your years in the public eye confirming to the Wal-Mart cashier that, yes, my child does have the same name as Britney Spears’ child. Don’t do that to me, or my children. The older one thinks smoked sausage is a toy, she’s got a tough enough road ahead of her as it is.

Apparently the recycling pick-up in my parents’ neighborhood is not between Thursday and Tuesday, as my dad still had the Boing! can in his possession and was able to take a digital photo of it (boy, I can’t wait ’til I’m retired! Can you imagine how much I’ll be able to blog?)

Thanks, Dad. Quite the package, eh? I like the way the font used for the word Boing! is true to its cartoon heritage. And the tamarind itself is portrayed in all of its ugliness. Is there an uglier fruit? Probably only this one…

The Ugli Fruit. You have to like a food that has a keen sense of its own shortcomings…

My parents have always been supportive of me and their dedication to this blog is no exception. I was over visting them during my brief vacation last week and my dad had a product for us to split- a can of Boing! Tamarind Nectar from the local (largely hispanic) grocery. Dad would get to try something new and unusual with another adventurous soul and I would have fodder for my blog.

Let me start by saying this- you’ve got to name your company something, why not name it after a cartoon sound effect? Perhaps Boing! means something else in Spanish- if so, I’d like to think that this word is said as "BOY-YOY-YOY–YOY-ING!" when pronounced.

I’d also like to point out that I tried to find a suitable copy of the Boing! logo or a picture of the actual can for posting on the site, but I’ve got say Mexico is lagging behind when it comes to having their products plastered all over the web. I will leave it to the individual to decide if this is a good or bad thing. I did find a picture of Tamarind Nectar poured into a glass- not sure if this is the Boing! brand or not. What I drank looked just like this- which probably leads many of you wondering why I actually decided to drink this. Hey, why not drink it? That could be my famous last words were this a solvent of some sort, but seing as how it was packaged as a beverage, I figured I’d survive the experience. AND now I know what Tamarind Nectar tastes like.

It’s SWEET. Cloyingly sweet. I’m not sure if that’s from the Tamarind itself, or due to an excess of added sugar. Probably a little bit of both. The strongest taste here was sweet, sweet, sweet- and a slight fruity taste, kind like that of raisins, especially golden raisins.

So I guess it’s an acquired taste- I can see people liking this if they were brought up drinking it or eating tamirinds. Which leads me to ask this question: based on the picture of tamarinds on the left, who was actually brave enough to try this? An adveturous caveman who promised his cavefriends to eat 52 new foods in a year?

I wonder if that caveman was named Boing.

How to keep your baby occupied while you chow down…

Note: No babies or pieces of chicken were harmed during this photo shoot.

So I was hanging out with my young daughter Chloe yesterday when my lovely wife came downstairs with our even younger child Declan. After good mornings were exchanged, I believe this is how the converstaion went:

Debbie: Hey, you want me to go to Burger King so you can try that new sandwich?
Me: Yes.

A short while later, I was holding an Enormous Omlet Sandwich in my hands. I’m not certain if I was trembling, but I may have been. It was a thing of beauty, even if it’s not as photogenic as the shot on the left would lead you to believe. But it did have egg above and below the meat, and bacon and sausage were both present and accounted for. The sausage appears to be a Croissandwich sausage patty cut in half to fit this bu, but a sausage is a sausage, do what you have to do to make this sandwich work.

It should be noted that I had a slightly altered version of the sandwich, as did Debbie (who only had one as we had a buy one get one free coupon and couldn’t substitute the less expensive Croissandwich as the free one. Go figure). I added two of Debbie’s bacon strips from her Enormous Omlet Sandwhich (and she gave Chloe one of her eggs). So Debbie had the slimmed-down version, while mine was the bacon-upped version.

So how was it? Well, what do you think? I thought it was damn good. I like the fact that I can go into a fast food place now and order just one breakfast sandwich and get filled up. Sure, the sandwich is the size of a Ford Focus and has enough fat for an entire day, but it’s all there, in one easy to eat container. I wouldn’t have one every day- nor would I have bacon or sausage for breakfast every day- but it certanally worth having again.

Note to the Burger King- let’s talk, your highness. I have an idea of how you could you the same rolls and prevent me from ordering both a Whopper and a Bacon Cheeseburger for lunch…

So my sister-in-law, the Awsom 1, started my day with an e-mail instructing me to go to Google and to click on Google Gulp.

Of course, I naturally thought that Google was recognizing my hard work, and the hard work of others, who drink jackass soda and write about it so the rest of the nation can stick to their precious Tab and Diet Rite.

It wasn’t to be. Dear readers, Google thinks they can pull an April Fool’s joke regarding jackass sodas (or as the case seems to be, jackass non-carbonated beverages).

I’m calling their bluff. Here then, is my review of the Google Gulp product line.

Google Gulp Sugar Free Radical
Color: Fruit Punch Red
Google Says: Will this antioxidant-rich, low-cal beverage keep you young forever? The results of studies to date haven’t been definitive, but hey, if you stay thin enough, you’ll look good whether or not the theory of free radicals turns out to be correct.

My review: The only way this product will keep you young forever is that its sticky-sweet taste will always remind you of Kool-Aid, Wyler’s or the long defunct Rootin’ Tootin’ Raspberry flavor of Funny Face powdered drink mix.

Rating: 4 out of 10

Google Gulp Glutamate Grape
Color: Prince could easily use this drink to accessorize
Google Says: Why drink plain grape juice when you can stimulate your ionotropic and metabotropic receptors and groove to a sugar high? Enhancing your learning and memory functions never sounded sweeter. (Note: excessive amounts of glutamate can cause neuronal damage, so drink responsibly.)

My review: Many grape flavored products have been known to turn your poop green. This turns it blue. Seriously, I think I should consult my physician.

Rating: 6.5 of 10. Hey, it’s nice to mix things up every now and then.

Google Gulp Beta Carroty
Color: The lazy bums took a picture of orange juice
Google Says: Want to be healthy without actually going so far as to eat (shudder) vegetables? Get your daily pick-me-up dose of cancer-fighting carotenoids with this smooth, not all chalky morning smoothie.

My review: I would spell it Carrotty, with two t’s, not one. It’s BAY-tuh care-ROH-tee? Nah, should be care-RAH-tee, which is easily implied by adding the second t.

Rating: N/A. I ain’t drinking anything spelled like that. No way. Uh-uh. No.

Google Sero-Tonic Water
Color: It’s water, so it’s water-colored, like all of the fine paintings in my home.
Google says: Just try to stay down once your synapses get a blast of this bubbly concoction whose refreshing blend of selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors is perfect for those moments when all your other beverage options just seem soooo depressing.

My review: It tastes like Zima. Gave me a headache.

Rating: I already said it tasted like Zima…do I really have to repeat myself by typing "0 out of 10". Oh, I just did.

In all, I’d say this fake beverage line is quite disappointing, and I doubt I will ever pretend to drink it again.

I’m disappointed with Google- so much so that I think I will start using Coca-Cola’s new search engine, Alta Fresca.

Happy April Fool’s Day to all that observe it. But please, avoid soda related pranks. Isn’t anything sacred?