Bowlful of Crickets

If you go searching through your desk and find one of these:

Understand that over time, the marshmallow has turned into some sort of space age plastic, with an unforeseeble gumminess and an odd aftertaste.

I’m not saying that if you find one lying around that you shouldn’t eat- but now you are informed. Proceed as you will.

(Part Four in the series. Jolly Good)

Name: Tango Apple
Alleged Flavor: uh…Apple
Actual Flavor: Cider in soda form, with a touch of artificial sweetner
Color: Cider-y
Tasting sample was from: 330 ml. can, poured into glass

Observations on British/Irish soda thus far:

1) They aren’t all that fizzy. Maybe it’s a freshness issue, but they all fizz out right after the pouring.

2) Most seem to have a mix of sugar and artificial sweetener. What’s the point in that?

3) They wind up tasting a little two sweet and not strong enough in flavor.

So, Tango Apple then. More of the same, I’m afraid to say, but it’s not too bad. A little fruit juice means that it has a strong juice/cider feel to it, reminiscent of one of my all-time favorite sodas, the short-lived Apple Slice. I don’t know if it was ever release nationwide, but they had it where i was, and it was good. So this reminds me of that, but with an overiding artificial sweetener taste. In some ways, this is better than the Jones Green Apple soda, as the flavor here is more "real"- it even has real fruit juice. But Jones has a bit more of a tart bite, so it gets the slight edge.

Not so sure about the can either. Even the top of the can is black. And the puffy green lips? Not sure I understand the appeal, and not sure if it’s because I’m not British or because I’m not 13 years old.

A good soda, but I’m not too sad that i can’t get it in mass quantities here…

Rating: 7.5 out of 10

Since my blog has made it’s latest return, not a ton of folks have stopped by. (For those of you that have, thanks for making it back. Based on the feedback I’ve had thus far, I need to do more Urologist jokes.)

Anywho, the spammers know I’m back, as my inbox has started to come alive with trackback and comment spam. Most of it is the usual- a poor graphic of some stock tip that keeps going up and up, where I can get funny ringtones or play online poker. I got one today that made me pause and actually read it. It was from someone identified as Kit and the subject line was:

Stir in basil, garlic, and pepper flakes; cook 1 minute.

O.K., it’s lunchtime, it’s food, I’m going to open this one. In the message itself was this:

Pour into glasses and garnish with mint sprigs and fresh raspberries. red potatoes,
cubedMelt and Saute:1 T. Again, trim close to the bone to remove as much of the
meat as possible. olive oilPrepare and Set Aside:4 oz. apple cider vinegarTaste;
Add for Flavor and Set Aside: Tabasco to tasteBlanch about 2 Min. Unique
skyscraper planned near ParisHome:: Web Directory:: Heating Systems News:: Free RSS
news:: Free Newsletter:: Tell a FriendClientfinder. extra-virgin olive oil1 T.
Bring to a boil and simmer 1 minute.
Remove from pan and keep warm.
poverty, joblessness and problems with the healthcare system continue to

So it’s spam, no big surprise. But I couldn’t help but notice the food and drink theme running throughout. Alright spammer, lets make this recipe.

I’m going to take this step by step. First, the subject line seems more like a finishing touch, so that’s how I’ll treat it. I’m going to pull out some of the othe garbled stuff and put it in order. I used every word below and added none of my own. Punctuation, well, that where I added my own spices to the mix.

E-mail Casserole
Recipe by Tim V and Kit

Prepare and Set Aside:

4 oz. apple cider vinegar
red potatoes, cubed
1 T. olive oil. 1 T. extra-virgin. olive. oil.
Clientfinder
Web Directory
Heating Systems News
Tabasco to taste

Melt poverty, joblessness and problems with the healthcare system and saute.

Again, trim close to the bone to remove as much of the meat as possible.

Taste.

Tell a Friend.

Add for Flavor and Set Aside: Free RSS, Free Newsletter,Unique skyscraper planned near Paris home.

Blanch about 2 Min.

Continue to bring to a boil and simmer 1 minute.

Stir in basil, news, garlic, and pepper flakes; cook 1 minute.

Remove from pan and keep warm.

Pour into glasses and garnish with mint sprigs and fresh raspberries.

Sounds delicious, eh? I think it could use a little further tweaking. I ate this an hour ago and I’m still pulling chunks of Heating Systems News out of my teeth.

(Part Three in the British/Irish soda reviews- and it’s all gone pear-shaped)

Name: Tizer (I thought it was It’z Red, too, but guess that’s just a tagline)
Alleged Flavor: "…and it tastes red!"
Actual Flavor: It tastes clear- like Sprite without the Lemon-Lime
Color: Red. Very Red.
Tasting sample was from: 330 ml. can, poured into glass

TIZER- IT’Z RED
A play in one act

Characters: Tim, Debbie
Setting: Modern times, in a family room.

(Tim enters the room with a glass of bright red soda. Debbie is seated)

Debbie: What’s that?

Tim: It’z Red.

Debbie (mildly annoyed): I can see that.

Tim: It’z Red. That’s what it’s called. It’z Red…or Tizer.

Debbie: Weird.

(Tim takes a sniff)

Debbie: What’s it smell like?

Tim: Nothing. It has no smell.

(Tim takes a drink)

Debbie: So what does it tastes like.

Tim (incredulous): Nothing. It tastes like nothing.

Debbie: That’s crazy.

(Tim continues to drink)

Tim: Maybe it tastes like Sprite, if Sprite wasn’t Lemon-Lime. It’s just sweet, no other taste.

(Tim drinks more)

Debbie: Huh.

Tim (sticking out tongue, then excitedly): So , is my tongue red?

Debbie: No.

Tim (sadly): Huh. It says on the can "May stain clothing if spilt."

Debbie: Well, your tongue is different than clothing. And it’s already pink to begin with. So it won’t stain your tongue.

Tim (firmly): What’s the point, then?

-The End-

Rating: 0 out of 10.

(Part Two in the British/Irish soda reviews. Mind the gap.)

Name: Club Rock Shandy
Alleged Flavor: "Orange and Lemon Soft Drink with sugar and sweetener" Also states "real fruit bits"
Actual Flavor: Tart Lemonade with orange peel mixed with seltzer
Color: Polite Description: Murky Tang. Impolite Description: time to see a urologist
Tasting sample was from: 330 ml. can, poured into glass

Shandy is another one of those British things that never quite made it in the states. Simply put, shandy is a beverage made mixing lemonade and beer. Never made it in the states? I know, real shocker. Yet Weiss beer with lemon made it here at least on a limited level, so maybe shandy will still have it’s day.

Club Rock Shandy is a soft drink twist on the traditional shandy, and I guess mixing lemonade with various sodas is popular in Germany and South Africa as well. This one originates from Ireland and contains "real fruit bits", otherwise known as citrus pulp. It’s 5% Orange Juice, 1% Lemon Juice and has both sugar and saccharin in it. Sugar is right behind carbonated water in the ingredients list, but you could’ve fooled me. This stuff is TART. Which in my book is very good. I recently discoverd San Pellegrino’s Limanata and Aranciata, which are sparkling lemon and orange beverages (respectively) from Italy. They are damn tasty- they’d be my soft drink of choice if they cost the same as Coke. But they are darn expensive, as is Club Rock Shandy- which tastes like a half and half mix of Limanata and Aranciata with a splash of artificial color, sweetner and pulp. That might not sound like a high endorsement, but if you combine two of the best soft drinks I ever had and mess it up just slightly, you still have a darn good drink on your hands.

Oh, and as I finish my review, I realized my can has passed it’s best before date about a month ago. So maybe it’s better fresher, before the real fruit bits take a turn south.

Rating: 8 out of 10

(The first in a series of British/Irish Soda Reviews. Cheers!)

Name: Sparkling Ribena or Ribena Spark
Alleged Flavor: "Sparkling Black Currant Flavor Drink"
Actual Flavor: A bit too sweet Sparkling Black Currant Flavor Drink
Color: An unusual pinkish purple
Tasting sample was from: 330 ml. can, poured into glass

Not sure if it’s just due to the lack of exposure in these parts, but I like it when I can get my hands on anything black currant flavored. So when I did raid on the British treats store, I was pleased to walk out with two black currant sodas.

But is Ribena Spark truly a soda? It bills iself as a "sparkling black currant flavour drink", so I say- carbonated + non-alcoholic= soda. You can get all fancy if you want, good people of Ribena, but you’re a soda in my eyes. I’m not about to start a "Jackass Sparkling Fruit Flavour Drink" category.

Interesting notes on the can:

• "Ribena should be enjoyed as part of a healthy diet and active lifestyle" As opposed to all those products geared for an unhealthy and inactive lifestyle
• "This drink is not suitable fobabies and toddlers under 36 months" Um, yeah. It’s a SODA! Do we need to be warned about that? This is like all of those labels on pharmaceuticals…
• "RIBENA and RIBENA SPARK are registered trade marks of the GlaxoSmithKline group of companies" Well, that explains all the warnings…

So…the soda then. Carbonation is slightly above average, color is an unoffensive purplish-pink found only in candies, sodas and doll-sized dream houses. The flavor- well, do you know what black currants taste like. To the unware, I’d roughly say halfway between a purple grape and a blackberry, and very "jammy"- a strong, sweet smell that fills your nose. I found it a little sweet, but overall it was nice, good to have a flavor I like that I don’t see every day.

Gavin Edwards, a person I don’t know but who has written some swell books on misheard lyrics and rock and roll myths, wrote an article on England’s carbonated beverages and had the following to say on Ribena:

"a sickly-sweet abomination that disgraces the whole category of liquids. It tastes vaguely like a melted popsicle combined with some NyQuil that’s been sitting behind the mirror for three and a half years; somehow this concoction manages to provide 100% of the recommended daily allowance of Vitamin C"

I can’t disagree with him completely- I definitely think we were drinking the same soda, except for him, it was the odd product at the corner store. To me, it’s the nectar of some foreign land. It could be better- a little less sweet would be nice. But "an abomination that discraces the whole category of liquids?" Someone needs to send Mr. Edwards some Faygo…

Rating: 6.5 out of 10

So this here blog has now seen three new years, and at the turn of the prior two, I made a few resolutions. For those who’d prefer not to read the old entries, I didn’t do so well.

I had been thinking a lot of resolutions- why people make them, why people can’t hold them. I think at the new year, there’s an increased pressure to make a new start, turn over a new leaf. The fact that it’s winter for most of us doesn’t help anything, nor does the influx of weight loss/gym membership commercials that hit the airwaves before the seat on Santa’s sleigh goes cold. People see the new year as the time to make a new start. New calendar year, new me. Sounds simple enough. Yet who can stick to it.

This year, I’m making one resolution:

I will not make promises I can’t keep.

A promise or resolution broken is a disappointment. Something acheived that wasn’t a promise- well, that’s just a pleasant surprise.

So I’m keeping the resolutions to just that one, and holding my ambitions in check. Yes, I’d love to read a book a week or lose 25 pounds or write in my blog all the time, but I’m not specifically trying or saying that I will. I can’t say I’ll have the time or ambition to do either of those things a week, a month, three months from now. So I’m not going to set up myself to fail in the dead of winter or in the heart of the summer.

I promise you nothing. Watch me keep that promise all year.

Maybe.