Jackass Soda: Nothing to fool around with

Jackass Soda No Responses »
Apr 012005

So my sister-in-law, the Awsom 1, started my day with an e-mail instructing me to go to Google and to click on Google Gulp.

Of course, I naturally thought that Google was recognizing my hard work, and the hard work of others, who drink jackass soda and write about it so the rest of the nation can stick to their precious Tab and Diet Rite.

It wasn’t to be. Dear readers, Google thinks they can pull an April Fool’s joke regarding jackass sodas (or as the case seems to be, jackass non-carbonated beverages).

I’m calling their bluff. Here then, is my review of the Google Gulp product line.

Google Gulp Sugar Free Radical
Color: Fruit Punch Red
Google Says: Will this antioxidant-rich, low-cal beverage keep you young forever? The results of studies to date haven’t been definitive, but hey, if you stay thin enough, you’ll look good whether or not the theory of free radicals turns out to be correct.

My review: The only way this product will keep you young forever is that its sticky-sweet taste will always remind you of Kool-Aid, Wyler’s or the long defunct Rootin’ Tootin’ Raspberry flavor of Funny Face powdered drink mix.

Rating: 4 out of 10

Google Gulp Glutamate Grape
Color: Prince could easily use this drink to accessorize
Google Says: Why drink plain grape juice when you can stimulate your ionotropic and metabotropic receptors and groove to a sugar high? Enhancing your learning and memory functions never sounded sweeter. (Note: excessive amounts of glutamate can cause neuronal damage, so drink responsibly.)

My review: Many grape flavored products have been known to turn your poop green. This turns it blue. Seriously, I think I should consult my physician.

Rating: 6.5 of 10. Hey, it’s nice to mix things up every now and then.

Google Gulp Beta Carroty
Color: The lazy bums took a picture of orange juice
Google Says: Want to be healthy without actually going so far as to eat (shudder) vegetables? Get your daily pick-me-up dose of cancer-fighting carotenoids with this smooth, not all chalky morning smoothie.

My review: I would spell it Carrotty, with two t’s, not one. It’s BAY-tuh care-ROH-tee? Nah, should be care-RAH-tee, which is easily implied by adding the second t.

Rating: N/A. I ain’t drinking anything spelled like that. No way. Uh-uh. No.

Google Sero-Tonic Water
Color: It’s water, so it’s water-colored, like all of the fine paintings in my home.
Google says: Just try to stay down once your synapses get a blast of this bubbly concoction whose refreshing blend of selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors is perfect for those moments when all your other beverage options just seem soooo depressing.

My review: It tastes like Zima. Gave me a headache.

Rating: I already said it tasted like Zima…do I really have to repeat myself by typing "0 out of 10". Oh, I just did.

In all, I’d say this fake beverage line is quite disappointing, and I doubt I will ever pretend to drink it again.

I’m disappointed with Google- so much so that I think I will start using Coca-Cola’s new search engine, Alta Fresca.

Happy April Fool’s Day to all that observe it. But please, avoid soda related pranks. Isn’t anything sacred?

Posted by Tim V at 8:41 pm

Jackass Soda: Lakefront Brewery's Golden Maple Root Beer

Jackass Soda 1 Response »
Mar 232005

If you are a Midwesterner and you leave the kind of charmed life that I do, at some point you have had the good fortune to visit the Mars Cheese Castle. Just a little North of the Illinois/Wisconsin border, its sign majestically signalling the magical lactose-laden treats inside. Seriously, if you like cheese, sausage, regional foodstuffs or roadside souvenier stands, you will not be disappointed at the Castle.

So I was indeed fortunate enough to find myself at the Mars Chees Castle this past weekend, and by pure chance, I found myself in front of the beer cooler. Instead of finding a nice regional microbrew to take home with me, a dusty plastic bottle caught my eye. Let me now officially begin this Jackass Soda review:

Name: Lakefront Brewery’s Golden Maple Root Beer
Alleged Flavor: Root Beer with Pure Wisconsin Maple Syrup
Actual Flavor: Pancakes with an A & W chaser
Carbonation Level: Moderate to high
Color: The appetizing hue of varnish
Tasting sample was from: plastic bottle, poured into glass

A dusty bottle did not sway me from buying and drinking this product- I mean, it’s made my a microbrewery in Wisconsin, I can’t go wrong, can I?

Fortunately, I did not go wrong. What sounded like an iffy proposition at best on the label turned out to be a unique and tasty soda experience. The first thing that hits you- other than the honey-like color, very light for a root beer- is the scent. Very Butterworth’s. The initial taste is that of Root Beer, but their seems to be more going on, The more I drank, the more Maple I tasted- and smelled. It really started working it’s way into my senses. It was a very pleasant experience that I would like to have again. Dust off those bottles, Mars Chees Castle, I’m coming back. Ah, forget it, no need to dust ‘em off…

Overall Rating: 9 of 10. It would have to be an everyday soda to get a 10, and this one is for specific occasions- like breakfast? Could this succeed where Pepsi A.M. failed?

Posted by Tim V at 9:47 am

Jackass Soda: Sun Drop

Jackass Soda No Responses »
Mar 162005
Name: Sun Drop
Alleged Flavor: Citrus Soda
Actual Flavor: Mountain Dew for Grown-Ups
Carbonation Level: Moderate to high
Color: Unsurprisingly, a Mountain Dew yellow
Tasting sample was from: aluminum can, poured into glass
Imagine all sodas as being members of the same family. Mountain Dew, of course, is the tightly-wound snowboarding teenager, mooching off ol’ man Pepsi and never living up to his full potential. Ol’ Man Pepsi sees a lot of Mountain Dew in his distant cousin Sun Drop- a southern eccentric that doesn’t get out much, but is well-liked by those who get to know him.

A far-fetched metaphor, perhaps, but Sun Drop looks like Mountain Dew, both in and out of the package, and for the most part, does the same thing. They’re both frakishly yellow "citrus" sodas with caffienne. While Mountain Dew is a sticky-sweet favorite of college students who crave its high caffienne levels, Sun Drop is a regional favorite in the Southeastern states and adds a little tartness to the mix. I wouldn’t call the taste sophisticated or complex by any means, but it does give a bit of balance to the over-the-top taste of Mountain Dew- meaning you can drink it when you’re not pulling an all-nighter.

Crazy, good-for-nothin’ Mountain Dew could learn a thing or two from wise, old cousin Sun Drop.


Overall: 9 of 10. Not too easy to track down in these parts, which is a shame. Also, SunDrop Corporate HQ tells me there’s a Cherry Lemon SunDrop. I’d live to get my yankee mitts on some of that…
Posted by Tim V at 3:05 am

Jackass Soda: Jones Green Apple

Jackass Soda No Responses »
Jan 112005
Name: Jones Green Apple
Alleged Flavor: From the name, I’m assuming green apple
Actual Flavor: I’ve had apples that taste less like green apple than this does
Carbonation Level: Moderate to high- starts off very fizzy
Color: A crisp, clean light green
Tasting sample was from: aluminum can, poured into glass

Jones Soda really struck out with the Holiday Pack, so I thought it fitting to go into my list of Jackass Soda Reviews to be written and write about another Jones product, to reveal why my expectations were so high.

Jones Green Apple Soda is the stuff every jackass soda should try to be. It’s an unusual flavor, but the execution is nearly flawless. If you reach for the Green Apple Jolly Rancher and think, "Hey, this would make a great soda", it has been done to perfection. It looks great, smells great and the taste is the perfect balance between tart and sweet.

One of my all-time favorite Jackass Sodas was the short-lived Apple Slice, which I can find no evidence of on the web to link to, other than this page, which is basically a list of dearly departed foods. This was a fine soda- more like carbonated apple cider than the Granny Smith taste of the Jones. The Jones soda has a better balance of sweet and tart, so it gets my nod as the superior soda.

Overall: 10 of 10. Now if only it was available in more places- you can find it in cans at Target, and in bottles at sandwich shops and some grocery stores.

Posted by Tim V at 11:21 pm

Jackass Soda: Jones Holiday Pack Reviewed

Jackass Soda No Responses »
Jan 072005
So back in mid-November, I did my first Jackass Soda entry on the release of the Jones Holiday Pack. I purchased one as soon as I saw it (good thing- they sold out quickly) and I finally got the chance to try it over the weekend, and here is my summary- 5 jackass soda reviews in one.

The samples were served ice-cold in small paper Dixie cups. My sister-in-law Cathy (Awsom 1) was brave enough to join me on this journey, and my beautiful wife Debbie joined us for the two "dessert" sodas.

We decided to go from least appealing flavor to most, with Cathy determining the ultimate order (Mashed Potato seemed least appealing to me…)

Green Bean Casserole Soda
What a murky green color. The smell was kind of like celery, so I was hopeful for the taste. I soon found out the downfall of all of the soda in the holiday pack:

Artificial Sweetener. Splenda, to be precise.

Now in my time of enjoying jackass sodas, I’ve found that the sweetener often makes or breaks the product. If the sweetener is too strong, the soda is ruined. Simple as that.

Now I’m not saying that the taste of carbonated green beans would be better than Splenda, but green beans is what I was expecting, and Splenda is what I got.

I didn’t think it was too bad, other than the Splenda. Cathy didn’t finish her sample.

Turkey & Gravy Soda
Well, it sure looks like gravy, but…

It smells sweet! More Splenda!

It tastes like turkey and gravy- if you stuffed the turkey with Sweet N Low.

Neither Cathy or I could finish this…

Mashed Potato Soda
This one totally smells like Mashed Potatoes. The sweetness was still there, but it gave the soda almost a vanilla flavor, I thought. Cathy said "It really, really tastes like mashed potatoes." Neither of us finished our samples. The taste of potatoes lingered, which was not good.

Fruitcake Soda
Good color, looked like fruitcake. Had a bit of a cake taste to it, a little gingery, too. The artificial sweetener was overwhelming, surprise, surprise. I liked it more than Deb and Cathy, but we all agreed it could have been better. No one finished their sample.

Cranberry Soda
This was actually pretty damn good. It still has that Splenda aftertaste, but it worked O.K. with the tartness of the cranberry. It was a good diet soda and a fair representation of the flavor of canned cranberry sauce. I would drink it again. Cathy had seconds, and I finished the bottle. This was the only bottle that didn’t have 8 ounces or more poured down the drain…

Overall, this was a disappointment. If you’re going to make soda taste like something unusual, your target audience probably isn’t watching their calories. Use real cane sugar (and only sparingly) to get the taste as accurate as possible. Jones make excellent sugared sodas- why didn’t do so here is beyond me. They went purely on the novelty and didn’t strive for taste. I mean, a limited edition set of 5 bottles for $15 (much of it going to charity), you’re not going to get people coming back for more, regardless of the taste. But Jones made a Holiday Pack in 2003 as well as this year- if they do it again and stick with Splenda, this is one jackass who will not be fooled twice…

Posted by Tim V at 11:25 pm

Jackass Soda: Faygo Rock 'N Rye

Jackass Soda No Responses »
Nov 232004
Name: Faygo Rock ‘N Rye
Alleged Flavor: "Cream Cola"- the can itself
Actual Flavor: "Hey, who spilled flat, generic coke in my red cream soda"
Fruit Juice Content: Not a drop
Carbonation Level: Low. Drink it fast or you’ll miss it entirely
Color: An ugly red with a pinkish hue. I thought it was brownish-red from across the roon. but nah, pukey pink red
Tasting sample was from: aluminum can, poured into glass

At the same time I picked up the 12 pack of Faygo Peach, I did the same with Faygo RockN’Rye. I had to try it for the name alone, but the fine print revealing it to be a "Cream Cola" intrigued me all the more. Hey, I like Cola. I even like Vanilla Cola. Surely Cream Cola would be tasty?

Er, not quite.

Faygo is the cut-rate soda out of Michigan, and I think they produce a cheaper beverage by cutting corners. Definately on carbonation- it hisses when you open the can, then it’s gone like the summer wind.

As for the taste of this one…well, it’s not quite red cream, and it’s definately not cola. It’s a "You’ve got peanut butter in my chocolate" experiment gone bad.

And I don’t know why they call this stuff Rock N’ Rye.

I’ll probably drink the rest of the cans I bought, but I make no promises.

Rating: 3 out 10

Posted by Tim V at 11:44 pm

Jackass Soda: Pepsi Holiday Spice

Jackass Soda No Responses »
Nov 152004
Name: Pepsi Holiday Spice
Alleged Flavor: "Pepsi-Cola with a spicy finish of ginger and cinnamon"- Pepsi press release
Actual Flavor: Pepsi with a splash of fancy, strong ginger ale
Fruit Juice Content: None
Carbonation Level: Moderate to High- fizzy on the tongue
Color: Reddish-Brown…no, Brownish-Red.
Tasting sample was from: aluminum can, poured into glass

Following in the footsteps of many a microbrew, Pespi decides to get out the pumpkin pie seasonings and make a seasonal version of its standard product. And darnit, I actually like the stuff. Have you ever had a small bottler’s ginger ale- the kind that actually burns your mouth a little form the amount of ginger in it? Well, imagine that with a healthy splash of Pepsi- or maybe the other way around- and that’s what we have here. A nice twist on Pepsi- very similar to how the short-lived 7-Up Gold added some spice to 7-Up. It may be a bit spicy for most tastes (like the Ginger Altoids), and I can’t say this would make my everyday soda rotation, but it’s a pretty palatable beverage that I wouldn’t mind seeing each holiday season.

Overall Rating: 7.5 out of 10

Posted by Tim V at 11:50 pm

Jackass Soda: Faygo Dee-licious Peach

Jackass Soda No Responses »
Nov 122004
Name: Faygo Dee-licious Peach, or Faygo Peach
Alleged Flavor: Uh, Peach
Actual Flavor: Peach, but in an artificial way
Fruit Juice Content: Zippo
Carbonation Level: Low- a few visable bubbles, light fizziness on the tongue
Color: A fiery red-orange, like the color of a peach where it was pulled away from the pit. Nice!
Tasting sample was from: aluminum can, poured into glass

So I like out of the norm soda, especially fruit flavors you don’t see every day. And rarely do you see peach soda in this neck of the woods.

My first can of Faygo Peach was unimpressive- I drank it from the can, I don’t think it was too cold, and I drank it quickly. My first impression was that it was a little metallic, and very artificial tasting.

But, I bought a 12 pack of the stuff, so I gave it another shot. Ice cold. Poured into a glass. Man, what a cool color this stuff has. Looks good in the glass, although a few more bubbles would be nice.

I could taste the peach flavor better this time around, and it’s actually not bad. The smell is spot on, and the peach taste is still a tad artificial, but passable.

Overall Rating: 6.5 out of 10

Disturbing Fact: I went looking for a picture of Peach Faygo and found this site. Well, I guess this truly is a jackass soda.

Posted by Tim V at 11:53 pm

Jackass Soda: The Jones Soda Holiday Pack

Jackass Soda No Responses »
Nov 112004
Sure, it’s pretty normal for an adult male to want to try every flavor and style of beer that exits, and I do.

But I also like to do the same with soda- I will try all the flavors out there.

Debbie and I have come up with a term for all of the non-colas that I like to sample- jackass soda.

The fine people at Jones Soda have my number.

Their Green Apple Soda is among my favorites- tart, but not too, a nice approximation of the flavor found in green apple candy.

Many news reports have been discussing their latest effort, The Jones Soda Holiday Pack. I guess their Turkey & Gravy soda last year got the attention they had hoped, so now they return with a 5-pack (couldn’t come up with a sixth? Pumpkin Pie Soda anyone? Egg Nog Soda? Come on!) of holiday dinner flavors. Here they are:

  • Turkey & Gravy Soda
  • Cranberry Soda
  • Mashed Potato & Butter Soda
  • Green Bean Casserole Soda
  • Fruitcake Soda

So naturally, this is the type of craziness that gets put at the end of the 10:00 news, in a segment that could be called "And finally, tonight…". The thing is: I actually want to drink these!

They go on sale soon, and are to be stocked at some Target stores. I hope to track them down, and you know I’ll write about it here…

Posted by Tim V at 12:12 am
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